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12.7   
06:48pm 07/12/2006
  I'm cutting class tonite.. because.. well, I don't really know. I almost did last week because I didn't feel like doing the homework, but this week I have it done.. and I'm not going. I've been tired all fucking day long. I've dranken two cappuccinos, which I don't do on school days. Then I took a fucking nap when I got home for like.. over an hour. I feel so drained. I have no emotion, no feeling for anything. I feel a bit dead actually. My body hurts, it's starving, and thirsty. I think I feel worried, but I'm not sure, don't think so. There is so much I should be doing right now, and I'm not. I need to apply to colleges and scholorships. I HAVE to do that, and soon, like this month. I have no drive to make myself to do though. Everytime I think about college I feel way to fucking stressed and I can't concentrate on it. I have a few majors in mind but nothing certain. I can't pick just one thing, and I don't want to pick out a college until I've made up my mind. The fucking guidance lady at school is driving me crazy, I don't know if I should be pissed or thankful. I think I'm both. I need to spend time with Wayne and pick some fucking colleges out and say "year deferred" But then again, I might not take a year off. I can't fucking decide what I want. I'M SO PISSED ABOUT IT. I don't want to take a year off because I want to get everything done and out of the way so it will be over with. I can't decide on the major, or what state. Warm? Cold? Away from Maine? Close to Maine?

I don't want to write a fucking essay.
I don't want to design a garden.
I don't want to learn right now.
I hate people right now.
I hate college and making decisions.		  
     

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08:45pm 20/10/2006
  i
hate
it
when
people
copy
me.

is it flattery?
or theft?

i try to hard to find my own self.. stand out, possibly.
its always ruined.
so i try harder.
will i always fail?		  
     

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09:54pm 17/10/2006
  i'm not sure if i have been blinded from it or not..
i can't tell, and maybe thats why i'm blind?

i hope to get a really decent camera/camcorder soon.. maybe around x-mas time, maybe sooner.. hopefully soon, sooner the better.
i hate it when i can't remember a detail.. or, a feeling, or.. something, just something, that i wish i could.

i think a camera is neat, it records a moment, but the moment has limited feeling. a camcorder, however, can record much more- a voice, the feeling in the voice.. the whole emotion of that moment. i want to record so many things before i forget them, when age corrupts me and it's too late.

i thought of this 11pm-ish the other night.. i thought of how my parents used to record all of my birthday parties, and how i hated it and always told them to turn the camera off. my mom replied with, something of the sorts "i want to record all of your birthdays up until your 18th, and then give all of them to you" she stopped on my 15th, i think. she never gave them to me either.

i want to remember right now, before and tomorrow. i want to remember my friends and our fun. i tend to forget the fun easily, i think.
with my new present, i can keep them with me forever.		  
     

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02:50pm 09/10/2006
  I don't like feeling sick :[
</3.		  
     

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FRYBURG!   
03:17pm 05/10/2006
  oahmahgawwwsddd!!!
fryburg is tomorrow and i cannot contain my excitement bubbles!
so far though, my tummy has ruined it. what nerve? starting a week after everyone else, JUST IN TIME FOR FRYBURG! ;] i love my tummy... oh tummy.. you're so kind. anyways.

(tomorrow)need to:
bring warm things: baha, blanky, socks
pick check up before leaving, go to bank
get schedule for work
pick up dev/ky around 11ish
drive to fryburg.. 2 hours?
see horseys race at 1:30
wait for ktrav, bonz, grampz + meet up with
enjoy rest of day with sparkles of fryburg and yummy foods

BEAL ST
DIPPING DOTS
HORSEYS
MARRYGOROUND
NIGHTLY FUN RIDES
TAKE PICTURES
BEAL ST
BUY STUFF
BEAL ST
FARRIS WHEEL
GRAVITRON? MAYBE NOT.. DONT WANT TO PUKE
FIREWORKS
BEAL ST...beal st.. beal st..
FUN
FRIENDS
WAYNE
DAY OFF FROM SKOOL/WORK
NEW NOSE RING
TIEDYE
NEAT THINGS
BEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL STTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3		  
     

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04:42pm 02/10/2006
  I love the smell of incense.


'Incense is a preparation of aromatic plant matter, often with the addition of essential oils extracted from plant or animal sources, intended to release fragrant smoke for religious, therapeutic, or aesthetic purposes as it smolders.'

Animals.. what?
Haha, sad.		  
     

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Breath   
03:53pm 30/09/2006
  I want some space and time to do nothing. Hopefully.. Fryburg will be awesome (even though my feet/legs will kill after walking 10 miles). If anyone bitches.. complains.. or ruins my, possibly last, fryburg visit, I will basically explode and rips off their heads. I don't want any trivial shitty comments, fussing.. whining.. fighting.. any stupid crap. I'll take Wayne and walk away.. and enjoy the rest of the day. I love solving problems quickly :] Why can't everyone else be like that? If you do not like something- change it or shut up.

I hate sour people who come into my work and bitch about the price of things. If you don't want to pay for shit, go to mr. market and cook something yourself. Jesus fucking christ. Don't make me feel like shit. Wow. I also hate it when people toss their money on the counter instead of handing it to me. They are so rude. I am seriously considering applying to the pharmacy when I turn 18. A career I am considering is a pharmacy technician.. so that might put me in the right direction. Fast food is just not my thing.. I do like the tips though, 20 more a week added to my paycheck. Everything is good, and bad. I want something that is always good.

I used to love my weekends, now I think I hate them. I'm not sure yet, though. The weekend of my birthday however, I'm asking for that off. I WILL have a couple mornings to sleep in.. and a couple nights to stay up.

I realized the other day.. or maybe it was today, I don't remember.. that change happens so suddenly. I think back to the days where I would stay up late doing whatever every day. I never thought about a job changing that -forever-. Maybe I would have enjoyed my life a little bit more back then if I had known that some of those things I did might have been the last time I did them. Worded wrong, I know. Blahbalbhalbha. Like, when I had my horse.. it was nice in the beginning but towards the end I hated waking up early every morning- hated having a forever responsibility. Right after she was sold (stolen?) I missed her, and I missed waking up early, having something I needed to do, and someone to take care of. Now I have to wait until I own my own house to own a horse again. That's a long time.. I might have enjoyed her better back then if I had thought about that.

Sometimes I only think about the moment, the present. That's nice and all, but I think I should think about the future and the past a bit more often so I can enjoy the things I do or have now a little bit more. I hope this makes sense?

$14 and change in tips today.
I have the rest of the afternoon to accomplish everything that needs to be done this weekend, since tomorrow I will have no time to do anything




-not one moment.		  
     

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trix or treats!   
10:37pm 21/09/2006
 
mood: ecstatic
I know its early, but its nice to think a head sometimes :] I want to have a halloween party.. because:
1. I've always wanted to go to one
2. It might be my last halloween in winthrop, maine
3. It would be wicked fun
4. Halloween rocks my sock and deserves a party
I've already thought of some of the people I'll invite, hopefully everyone likes each other :] I'm so damn excited. Now I'll have to wait an entire month.. and even though it will be a clean party, I hope nobody is like RAR at my party, or any parents or anything.. because that would make me sad. I might make some cookies however ;] And have punch.. and pizza maybe.. and lots of halloween crap that will be so pretty. I want to decorate my kee's even, like give them bows :D Musics.. and movies.. and maybe kt will invent some games, hehe. HEHHEH I can't wait.

Wow.. my kee's are so cute and funny. They <3s each other now, so they play alot and do alot of cute things.. :]

<3		  
     

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Halloween.   
08:05pm 18/09/2006
 
mood: bored
I've decided.. well I already decided this.. that I am going to be Alice from Wonderland for Halloween. I figure it it probably going to be one of the last, most likely the last, year that I can or will go trick or treating. Who knows, maybe there will be a decent party this year to attend? I always wanted to go to one of those halloween party things.. lots of punch, fake cobwebs everywhere, everyone dressed up, music, etc. Hehe :] I'd throw my own but I think I'm too lazy.. duno. I hope I'm one hot Alice girly ;]

HOPEFULLY: all friends will dress up, all friends will go trick or treating/party-thing, all friends will chillax with me!

Oh yeah, and that Freeport thing :] Halloween lands on a tuesday, a school day, so we'll see what happens.

I hart Halloween.		  
     

(&&blahblahblah.)
 
f a v o r i t e s o n g.   
07:31pm 18/09/2006
 
mood: bored
And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive

googoodolls.iris		  
     

(&&blahblahblah.)
 
   
03:21pm 17/09/2006
 
mood: amused
So basically.. I need to not do anything before I explode or pass out. :] Weekend: work, hw, blah blahblahahhaa. Need to pay bills, need to save lots of moneys, need to play. :] I think I'll clean on monday.. tuesday.. I have work, then skool, then appt. Vet appointment probably monday.. need to fix this kitty up. ^.^ wed afternoon looks like freedom sparkles.. college skool thurs nite.. then work friday, maybe foosball game. Saturday.. possibly the homecoming dance. This reminds me of spirit week and that I need to wear a hat tomorrow :P

So I guess I'll write that essay now, which will take me 4584958493 hours, probably until I go to bed and get -498594359854958943 hours of sleep and continue this cycle of life dust tomorrow and forever. :D

<3		  
     

(&&blahblahblah.)
 
l y r i c s.   
03:35pm 15/09/2006
  there are many things that id like to say to you
but i dont know how.

maybe
you're gonna be the one that saves me
because after all
you're my wonderwall

oasis.wonderwall		  
     

(&&blahblahblah.)
 
q u o t e s,   
03:35pm 15/09/2006
  i know they are socially retarded && weird,
but they're my friends so promise you won't
make fun of them

Memories are Bittersweet ;;
the good times we can`t repeat ++

i can be your T.i.n.k.e.r.b.e.l.l and you can be my
P.e.t.e.r.P.a.n ; lets run away together to never *
never land. -and in the [ e n d ] P.e.t.e.r.P.a.n `
stole T.i.n.k.e.r.b.e.l.l.s wings so that she could'
|| .x3 N-E-V-E-R ** L-E-A-V-E ** H-I-M .x3 ||

summer lovin had me a blast
summer lovin happened so fast

he's like a drug // i'm addicted

..Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery..

LiiVE..LAUGH..L0VE

she's only happy in the sun ..

laughter(n)- when your smile has an orgasm

life is too short to be anything but happy.

So what if i'm a Bitch ;;
your a whore and personally
I d r a t h e r b e k n o w n f o r
what i do then who i do


Remember when getting high meant swinging at the playground, the worst thing you could get from the opposite sex was cooties, your enemies were your teachers or your siblings, race issues was who ran the fastest, war was a card game, the only drugs you knew was cough medicine and a girl that wore a skirt didn't have to be a slut, the only thing that hurt was skinned knees, and the only things that can be broken were your toys. Life was simple and care free, but what i remember the most was wanting to grow up. Put this in your profile if you truly miss those days.

To the world
you are just one person
but to one person
you can mean the world

A girl worth kissing
is not easily kissed

& I JuSt WaNt YoU To Be My LoVe, My BeSt FrIenD, and ThE OnLy OnE I'm EvEr GoNnA NeEd

Love is smiling on the inside and out.

There is only one happiness in life,
to love and be loved.		  
     

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02:09pm 15/09/2006
 
mood: indescribable
Sometimes old people make me sad. :[
I was enjoying some sunshine and I walked by this older man. Obviously I walked right past him since I was walking faster and he was old. I was on a mission too, so I was zoomin a bit. Anyways.. I started thinking about how much time there is between me and that age. Every year seems to go by faster and faster.. does it continue each year? Until you wind up being that old? I don't want to grow old, I don't want to be old.. and last but not least, I don't really want to die. For some reason it is quite scary to me; not knowing what happens next. There might be a slight control issue there.. Death might be a beautiful thing for all I know.. and I just won't know until I'm meant to know it; when I die. It could be this release of control around your life and you fade into a better life. It sounds nice but from living on this world it is hard to believe in something that calm and beautiful coming out of a world like this. Why not just stick us in the beautiful world right away? I'm not saying this world doesn't have it beauties.. because it definitely has its nice times, but there are also all those hardships. At my work I see old people all the time.. old couples, some still very happy together. I really hope I'm not alone when I'm that age. I hate being alone. It is very depressing to think of being old though.. if you REALLY think about it. I try not to, but I see so many old people everyday, doing their old people thing. Why do all these things in life, accomplish so many things, make so many relationships and memories just to have them erased at death? I don't want to believe that is what will happen... just a shriveled up brain that shrivels and all that we have known shrivels and is gone. I want beauty and to keep all those things I will have built; all my memories and relationships; my wayne; my kitties; everything I love. I could ask "why" about everything and I'll never get an answer anyways so why think about it.

Seeing elder people just reminds me of how much time I have left and to enjoy every second of life to the fullest before it is too late and it is time to parish from this world. If I could I wouldn't waste all those hours at work, but I guess I have little choice in things like that.

I hope we're all happy in the end.		  
     

(&&blahblahblah.)
 
Chasing Cars   
09:37pm 14/09/2006
 
mood: busy
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lay with me and just forget the world?		  
     

(&&blahblahblah.)
 
Boy.   
06:14pm 13/09/2006
 
mood: happy
We got a boy kitty today :] About the same age as Adia. He's very pretty, his color is light milk cream- "Buff Tabby". We rescued him from the humane society.. and he has a cold so we have him locked in the bedroom so Adia won't get sick. I think they will get along well, I just have a feeling. They are both not fixed .. hehe. But I plan on fixing both of them soon. Gotta think of a name..

<3		  
     

(&&blahblahblah.)
 
wednesday veggy day!!!11   
04:27pm 11/09/2006
 
mood: calm
I don't know if I should get another kitty or not.. to keep Adia company. She always seems so sad when Wayne and I leave her for the day.. but so happy when one or both of us gets home. If we get another one (it is said to happen) will she forget about us? I don't know if she will even get along with it.. so it's a 50/50 chance of a good idea.. :/		  
     

(&&blahblahblah.)
 
September 6th   
04:27pm 06/09/2006
 
mood: pissed off
I found out that my body is addicted to coffee after an entire day of headache withdrawels... it was amazing how fast it went away as soon as I pratically injected the cappi into my mouth cells :] Silly caffiene.. kind of interesting though, that your body can get so used to something it will ache for it once it is taken away. It wasn't like I craved coffee, the only reason I had some was because I wanted to wake up a little bit; no naps today.

I also figured out that I may have fucked myself over, focusing on my finger that is.. Aparently it has been two weeks since I disolacted it and I still cannot bend it without it hurting like a lil bitch.. that it is.. since after all, it is the pinky finger, the bitch of the hand. Anyways lol.. So I went online and searched on google.. lol, "dislocated finger".. clicked the first link.. then clicked something like, "aftercare" or whatever. So it says that it will take 3-6 weeks to heal.. and possibly up so so many more months for the pain to stop. Then I read.. I should be doing exercises, like stretching or what not. Turns out I remember the fucking tard at the hospital saying some shit about a "sprain" .. I corrected her and told her what happened (after having told 4059 people beforehand.. assuming they would have told her as well? Communication anyone?) She said, oh well that what happened to me was a dislocation, not a sprain..., and continued to give me instructions on a sprain: 1-2 weeks in a splint, all better. Well, its not all better, its a pain in my fucking ass thats what. Writing and all activities in which I have to take the splint off suck, because for some reason everytime I do I accidently bump it and that's just not fun. So I'm waiting for my mom to get back to me on what we should do from here. It does makes sense though.. You rip something and it begins to heal.. so if your finger is kept straight all this time the shit that heals will only be that long.. so when you bend it, you rip it again/stretch it? So it would actually make sense for me to be stretching it so that the shit that needs to heal will be long enough for me to bend my finger, right? Makes sense to me.. but it's already been 2 weeks of that 3-6 weeks time period.. is it too late now? I swear if I cannot bend my finger after this i'll punch the lady at the hospital because this is gay shit and I'm pissed off. Yes, its only the pinky finger.. but its attached to my right hand, and well... I use my right hand a lot (nothing sick guys.) so as long as it attached, I think I rather be able to use it. kthanks.

Homework, blah. ps. I do not like ms dyer and I am not looking forward to her face 2nd semester.		  
     

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Meowww   
02:46pm 02/09/2006
 
mood: calm
Fair - Sunday (Rain date: Monday)
Freeport - Saturday (Today)

I need to clean, be surrounded by happy people, take a shower, and get ready for Freeport fun. :] Can't wait to spend some time with Wayne since we both have been so busy the last couple of days- different work schedules and school. Life is so complicated, I crave those moments of peace and relaxation. :] Freeport will be a bunch of those moments because that place is fun. Hopefully, the fair will be too if everyone decides to get along and enjoy themselves. ;] Like, I, will. Copy me people and smile! Rain, do not cry on us on Sunday, I'll be very unhappy ;]

<3		  
     

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13 Hour Days   
09:01pm 30/08/2006
 
mood: busy
8 hours of school, 5 hours of work. No time to relax or do homework. I have tomorrow and possibly friday off, that would be awesome- give me time to catch up on life and chill a little bit. I can't wait for the couch though, so I can finally have some homies over and stuff :] I hope friday goes well, that's all I have to say. If so I'll have a great weekend, if not, then.. I'll be sad and not have a very nice weekend lol. There's internet in my apartment for no reason, it's kind of funny.. Cable people are coming here tomorrow though to drop off the supposidly needed modem though.. So I think I'm feeding off the neighbors internet XD Should I stop? haha.

This weekend hopefully will conclude of: A movie, possibly on friday (Crank?). Freeport on Saturday, with millions of shopping and maybe millions of chillaxers.. and possibly going to Olive Garden... and returning something at Walmart which I can't forget because I really want the right size sheets since they FINALLY got black sheets in.. Walmart usually has everything, right? haha. THEN, Sunday would involve Windsor fair; rides, yummy fatty food and pretty horsies I can pet 4958493 hours :D. THEN Monday off = 3 day weekend wootz. Besides all that funness, I have to work all 3 days, but thats okay XD That will only mean I won't work during the week so I won't die like yesterday and today with 13 hour shitty.

Work is kinda fun though when Jimmy works. He's pretty cool, and nice. He makes work more relaxed and less WORK SLAAAAVEness. It's great when you meet a decent guy because it reminds you that the entire world isn't fucked and angry. He's really nice, and funny.

Well the wiggers next door moved out, lol.. so that's cool, and I think Aaron might be moving in.

I should be reading shitty us history but I'm not because I absolutely hate history. I swear I could read it a million times and never understand one fucking word of it.. and then someone will say like one sentence about what I'm supposed to have taken in and then it will make sense. It's probably just all that fansy wording shit that my brain can't take lol. Besides that I think my schedule is decent, besides being the only gal in my english class. Oh, and alex sitting next to me in psy. He's so fucking stupid. I can't stand his voice or face.

I'm also 49598594 happy/excitedness that Kt is back in skoo because I can see her 498549 much and see that she's making her future bright.

*harts on* senior privz *harts on*		  
     

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